And Another Thinker Joins Me.. (Dad's Blog)

After a rather long campaign of persuasion and effective psychological warfare conducted by yours truly (pats on the back), my dad, M.N. Jayakumar (thinker, yesteryear actor, literary critic, ex-political activist, ex- mechanical engineer and current General Manager - Projects at Vasco Environmental India Pvt. Ltd., Kochi) has started publishing his own blog in Malayalam titled 'വെറും ചിന്തകൾ'.

At this point let me also add that I'm the one doing the surprisingly interesting task of typing in the actual words upon his dictation in to the blog using Google Input Tools. So any and all spelling mistakes are completely my fault and maybe a little bit of Google's ;). Dad himself is an eloquent speaker and writer in Malayalam and well versed in its rich literary history.

He has promised to give me something to post though his workdays are taxing to say the least. So I hereby declare the entry of another thinker and one of my personal intellectual heroes in to the insanely accommodating but furiously populated blogosphere.

M.N. Jayakumar

Attaboy Dad.. :D

A Conversation to Remember

My usual disclaimer of ignorance on the matter and general naivety not withstanding in this case as the words are not mine, I do however, proclaim potential lack of cohesion of thought in the following words, not due to the intent and form of the narrative of the speaker (who speaks with amazing clarity and restraint), but from my possible inability to remember the details and specifics of articulation and semantic structures.

The speaker in this case is my Ammaavan (maternal uncle). The decision to pen down this conversation (more of a monologue actually), came from the realization towards the end of it, that it tied down intentionally or unintentionally (hmmmm.. leaning a bit towards the former), two very important concepts or rather levels of concepts regarding one's attitude towards life and the living of it as I, personally, favor it.

The whole thing started when, rather unusually and also surprisingly informally, I was asked to sit down and join the evening's usual pre-dinner television news viewing by Ammaavan and these days my Dad (ഇവിടെ ഇരിക്കൂ..).

Now, another disclaimer at this point - I'm writing this conversation down from memory and I'm writing down words that seem impersonal (at least to me) leaving out specific examples which he cited, as his personal views are not mine to publish and also (sheepishly grins) - I'm doing this without asking for his permission. Another big reason will become clear as the narrative unfolds. :D

I always wondered why Ammaavan viewed the news regularly and attentively as he is an ardent believer in the Vedantic philosophy of dis-attachment to tangible objects, material attitudes and ideologies. It is to be noted that he retired as a high ranking civil servant and also served in another important office of public service and tremendous responsibility since. He spoke in Malayalam, as he does at home and other informal situations, which I'm now translating to English to the best of my ability.

" I don't watch these things to actually get intellectually or emotionally involved in them. To me, they are more amusing, at this point, than anything else (referring to that evening's specific heated 'political' debate).

Why is it that we oppose something overtly, socially or politically? (realized he wanted my understanding of the issue he was about to expand upon and gave a short and somewhat hesitant reply). It is because we want to gain something from it. Specifically, the power or other such thing that the object of our opposition represents. This is one reason why studying history would show us that no socio-political revolution has actually succeeded. The thing being opposed is replaced with something different in form and structure but same in essence and nature.

But does that mean that there has been no change? No it does not. There has been. It's called evolution. Not just biological, but social and cultural. Evolution is the only change that we can't go back from. It is steady and natural. Certain people throughout history have been agents of such evolution as far as the human race is concerned. But they did this without looking for personal gain or results (without karthrithva bodha) and often died impoverished and in obscurity. Others however, will always be waiting to take up their idea or message and run with it, more often than not, intentionally or otherwise, gaining personal profit from it (tangible or not).

There is no reason to get indignant about this. It is the way of the world -  human nature. This happens usually when a concept or idea gets institutionalized or organized. It takes a life of its own and we should know that it is never a reflection on the person or persons behind the original idea.

Does this mean then that we do not get involved in society's occurrences, movements etc. or if we do, we should never start an organization/institution? No. As social animals and by virtue of our socio- cultural and human conscience, we may have to. And if a man has to accomplish something large or beyond the scope of his physical capabilities, in terms of resources or other practical constraints, organizing with others becomes necessary. In fact, it is even recommended in some cases. A simple example being - if you need to get a road tarred.. You can't do it by yourself. You need others.

But the ideal thing to do in such scenarios and other larger ones is to dissolve such organizations once the objective is accomplished. Otherwise the chances of it being distorted to serve the private purposes of a few are huge and perhaps inevitable. Another thing one can do, as an individual, is to refrain from joining an organization or institution (based on a particular ideology or concept), in one's personal life. This is something I took from the ideas of J. Krishnamurthy.

We can't choose to not react or get involved against something we find objectionable, especially if it happens before us. And we may even get attacked personally due to our involvement. But we need to have the mind and mental fortitude to do this knowing full well the potential personal consequences. It is illogical and naive to be shocked or surprised when something like that happens and be outraged or despair over the fact that our intentions were good and our actions were founded on a sense of justice and good.

This awareness is what Vedantic knowledge can give us. A certain 'knowing' that dis- attachment can give us peace while making us functioning human beings living in the material world. The knowledge that the events of life are out of our control and is not dependent on our abilities (physical, intellectual or emotional). Often we see people claiming accomplishments as their own and find reasons out of their sphere of control for their defeats or losses. Honest reflection and introspection reveals this to be a falsehood. In the larger scheme of things, we are insignificant. No human being has changed the world. The world changes and moves according it its own cosmic pattern or plan which we cannot comprehend through our limited intellect. As far as we are concerned, it is arbitrary. 'Knowing' this is realizing Brahma itself. It is not for everyone. Through some accumulated good from previous births or so, we can't be sure why, some unique individuals come to 'know' this.

I myself  am just aware of this or rather 'understand' it. I am neither enlightened or to be considered a role model of any sort. In fact, it is best not to consider any human being as a 'role model'. The secret to being happy in life is to find the balance between attachment and dis-attachment. Knowing when to get involved and when to observe. And not to let either case, in victory or defeat, affect you as a person. Live well and live happy. But be aware of the illusion of the world that you see before you and live in and the only truth - the one that's not subject to changes that lies within you. This is what life is about. To live through it as you can with this knowledge. Without Karthrithva Bodha. I am just a human being with my own petty concepts and likes/dislikes.

(conversation moves through various related topics and comes to an end..)

It seems that particular mosquito is not to be vanquished at the moment (moving his trusty mosquito zapper around his body and giving up). It must be destined to live a little longer. After all it is the same as me. We are one and the same (adds with a smile). This is the essence of Vedanta too. From the ant to the Parabrahma - it's one and the same."

Now a further set of disclaimers:
The conversation was much longer and involved a lot of other ideas and things including a lot of specific examples from books, philosophies and his own personal life. There were also brief interjections and words regarding the topic mentioned above and other things from Dad, Ammaayi (maternal aunt - who joined us briefly between her work in the kitchen) and yours truly. The quoted words above are the summarized and translated version from my own memory and understanding of it.

Apologies to Ammaavan if I inadvertently distorted his ideas or the intent behind them. Hmmm.. I guess I have to muster the necessary mental fortitude to suffer the consequences, if any, for my well intended capturing of an interesting conversation for posterity's sake and for self serving intellectual reference.. :D

Signing off.. sleepy but rejuvenated..

P.s. 'Previous births' can be defined or understood in two main ways - our subtle body occupying a new gross body upon leaving this one, or more scientifically (the one Ammaavan refers to) our hereditary history, that of our ancestors, present in us by virtue of our genetic make-up, i.e., recessive and dominant traits.

The balance between attachment and dis-attachment that he referred to (from what I understood) meant understanding that you're attached to your body, though it is not you, but maintaining no attachments to anything else (worldly matters and objects), and so being able to involve yourself in the world you live in without Karthrithva Bodha and holding on to relative inner peace. Vedantic awareness for those determined to live a worldly life (laukika jeevitha). 

To 'Understand' is Beautiful Too..

There are no rules, no paths to be followed but the one that appears before you. There is no becoming, no getting there - only the realization that you are, the moment when there is no 'i' to ask where you are, how you are or what you are. Being. No terms or phrases to explain its existence or attributes (Brahmathathvam mounam vyaakhyaath prakaditha). Just a state of no qualities or features from which any and everything you know arises (Nirguna Parabrahma). Silence from which the the first sound births and then dissolves into. It is I. The only I. The false consciousness that creates the world and its rules and everything it feeds on disappears like the smoke that clouds the fire, the flame. This resides inside. It is that transient mind, the thought that covers the truth - the only truth - the eternal (sadaashivam). This truth was, is and always will be. That is its only definitive quality. The illusion that we hold on to  that begins and will end with the existence of the false 'i' will be decimated when I is seen and realized. Seeing this 'I' is being it. There is no duality. No observer and the observed. How can there be an observer when there is no 'i' anymore. It is you (Thathvamasi). It is I (Aham Brahmaasmi). The projections of the 'i' by virtue of their nature convinces us of their 'reality'. They keep us living in the dream - the dream that is reborn and expands its boundaries with the very first thought of your wakeful state that loudly and silently begins with the 'i' and dies again when the last thought birthed of the 'i' fades in to the 'I' when you drift in to sleep. The dream that keeps us tied to our gross bodies that change and decay and eventually die, all the while carrying within it this seed of truth and then manifests out of the elements again to continue this cycle of ignorant suffering. To realize 'I' is to be it and by extension the world that you know (Swaraat is Samraat). There is 'One'. Only One. No 'i' or 'you' or 'it'. :D 

The Nature of Love

I see gradations of love coming from the mouths and carved in to the minds and false hearts of the sad ones everywhere. And they are sad, no doubt. Even their joys are sad or are shaded by colors of sadness that would eventually follow. Aren't these joys transient? These joys, one supposes can be subject to gradations. But not the true bliss or peace that’s real. And that too seems sure to one now, bliss and peace are one and the same. The emotional overflow of energetic pleasurable feelings that last for a short time is so fragile and inferior when compared to that true and steady feeling of peace that remains and will remain untouched by the mischievous taunts of various stimuli that enter one’s life seen and unseen, announced and unannounced through the various senses. And isn't the objective of joy, stability and peace even when seen through that obsolete vehicle of logic and worldly wisdom? Isn't that what one craves through every action and intentionally oriented, manipulative thought? To be in a state of stability and peace, not from outside but from within. To feel at peace whether a midst the over abundant sights and sounds of a raging concert crowd or on the sandy beaches looking over the unending series of waves that wash over and dissolve on that subtle line where water becomes land.

This bliss comes from knowing and knowing alone. Not of facts or concepts but from the knowing of that truth. The only truth. The form of which can be manifested through the knowledge of smaller realities. Realities of awareness. For example, love is one and all encompassing. It knows no gradations. It is our gross and subtle bodies that attach themselves on to this pure and transcendent feeling giving it many forms, variations and degrees. There is no ‘romantic’ love, ‘respectful’ love, ‘fearful’ love, ‘brotherly’ love and so on and so forth. Love knows no such limitations in its infinitely beautiful and semantically null being. It is a feeling of oneness. A feeling where the manufactured and deceptive ‘I’ ceases to exist and you become one with something other than yourself. It is this same love that one devoid of illusions feels for God. There is no fear or respect or pretentious ‘devotion’. Love takes care of all those details. He is with you, in you, and upon further reflection and realization, is you. So is all that you created in your false consciousness. Everything is you and him. And then there is no duality. Binaries of thought dissolve and there is just one being. No more definitions and categorizing. No more painful intellectual analysis and problem solving. But one eternal, blissful existence that defies descriptive articulation. Is-ness.  Understanding is easy. Knowing is far more difficult. I understand. And still swirling in the churning ocean of binary conflicts,  ‘I’ look to him for a helping hand, which he gives me and points me in the right direction when the pesky assertion of pitiable ego surfaces. My Krishna smiles at me and with effort and focus, one day maybe I shall see him in me and then finally know him. And then there will be I. And bliss. And only love..

Enter Satsung..

Its been a while since I posted something, mainly due to an unpredictable series of hectic days that resulted in me moving out (or being moved out) of my reluctant albeit comfortable cocoon of complacency in the seclusion of unfamiliar rural life of Andhra to the more familiar and surprisingly eventful urban scene back home in Kerala.

I found myself looking at the old, somewhat forgotten features of my native land with new eyes, relatively unclouded by the angst and insecurities with which I left it 18 months ago. In fact, it seems I have been a stranger to it since a few years before that too, though I reveled unrepentant in its many inexpensive joys and pleasures, casually strewn about on the dirt roads of its cultural landscape. Days spent buried in my colorful, seductive imagination and thoroughly unforgiving intellectual campaign to 'make sense of''..

After a rather uneventful but interesting road trip that took me in that red Maruti car choke full of memories, across three states, I am now staying in my maternal uncle's (ammavan's) house ideally located in what I always felt was a serene locale, where the weather never seemed too harsh and the neighbors seemed to value the glory of quiet.

After a day of getting used to the heat and constant sweating (the one thing I really didn't miss), I came upon an intriguing opportunity -  a class on Bhaagavatha given by the erudite Jayashree Ma'am whom my aunt (Ammaayi) spoke of rather highly. A short bus ride later I was seated quietly and dare I say, contently, on the white mat on the upper floor of her Edappally home with my aunt and another lady (who I later came to know was a retired teacher), listening to the profound analysis of the symbolism and message behind the story of Puranjana described in a few verses (28 to 32(?)).

Somewhere between the concept of using 'thought' as a tool to dismantle the transient mind and then sacrificing it to achieve stillness and the realization of self, and the eternal quality of truth, I had a moment of clarity - an epiphany - something I seek every moment I'm conscious and try to cherish in memory for later egotistic use (ah..defining irony ;)).

I had been searching for teachers in all the wrong places. There are no 'gurus' in intellect. Only peers. For the first time in years, I came out of a two hour discussion/ class with answers rather than more questions. It seems so simple.

I am at this moment more aware of what troubles 'me' than I had been in the years I spent searching for answers in the labyrinth of logic and analytic dissection which has become part and parcel of the creed of my senses and resultant perception of life.

Intellectual vanity and skill being the double edged sword I have wielded for the better part of my life, I am now intrigued by the possibility of laying it down for a better awareness of self than my natural inclination to learn to use it more effectively. It has been agreed upon without any argument from my part that there is no way to tell what course life might take or how I will respond to its tempting events and mood swings, but I am now confident that there are answers out there. Not just troubling paradox after paradox.

Either way, I'm happily starting my life in the land of coconut trees and its self deprecating people with a less myopic view of what lies ahead and what lies beneath.

So signing off now to attend another class with my both my aunt and uncle this time -  a discourse on Upanishad Dhara by Swami Chidanandapuri. To my question of how much will I be able to comprehend, entering the topic midway or plunging in to the deep end of the pool, as today's session is the concluding one in the series, I was told " What does it matter which bit of Sarkkara (saccharine) you taste and when you taste it? It all tastes sweet." :D