Its been a while since I posted something, mainly due to an unpredictable series of hectic days that resulted in me moving out (or being moved out) of my reluctant albeit comfortable cocoon of complacency in the seclusion of unfamiliar rural life of Andhra to the more familiar and surprisingly eventful urban scene back home in Kerala.
I found myself looking at the old, somewhat forgotten features of my native land with new eyes, relatively unclouded by the angst and insecurities with which I left it 18 months ago. In fact, it seems I have been a stranger to it since a few years before that too, though I reveled unrepentant in its many inexpensive joys and pleasures, casually strewn about on the dirt roads of its cultural landscape. Days spent buried in my colorful, seductive imagination and thoroughly unforgiving intellectual campaign to 'make sense of''..
After a rather uneventful but interesting road trip that took me in that red Maruti car choke full of memories, across three states, I am now staying in my maternal uncle's (ammavan's) house ideally located in what I always felt was a serene locale, where the weather never seemed too harsh and the neighbors seemed to value the glory of quiet.
After a day of getting used to the heat and constant sweating (the one thing I really didn't miss), I came upon an intriguing opportunity - a class on Bhaagavatha given by the erudite Jayashree Ma'am whom my aunt (Ammaayi) spoke of rather highly. A short bus ride later I was seated quietly and dare I say, contently, on the white mat on the upper floor of her Edappally home with my aunt and another lady (who I later came to know was a retired teacher), listening to the profound analysis of the symbolism and message behind the story of Puranjana described in a few verses (28 to 32(?)).
Somewhere between the concept of using 'thought' as a tool to dismantle the transient mind and then sacrificing it to achieve stillness and the realization of self, and the eternal quality of truth, I had a moment of clarity - an epiphany - something I seek every moment I'm conscious and try to cherish in memory for later egotistic use (ah..defining irony ;)).
I had been searching for teachers in all the wrong places. There are no 'gurus' in intellect. Only peers. For the first time in years, I came out of a two hour discussion/ class with answers rather than more questions. It seems so simple.
I am at this moment more aware of what troubles 'me' than I had been in the years I spent searching for answers in the labyrinth of logic and analytic dissection which has become part and parcel of the creed of my senses and resultant perception of life.
Intellectual vanity and skill being the double edged sword I have wielded for the better part of my life, I am now intrigued by the possibility of laying it down for a better awareness of self than my natural inclination to learn to use it more effectively. It has been agreed upon without any argument from my part that there is no way to tell what course life might take or how I will respond to its tempting events and mood swings, but I am now confident that there are answers out there. Not just troubling paradox after paradox.
Either way, I'm happily starting my life in the land of coconut trees and its self deprecating people with a less myopic view of what lies ahead and what lies beneath.
So signing off now to attend another class with my both my aunt and uncle this time - a discourse on Upanishad Dhara by Swami Chidanandapuri. To my question of how much will I be able to comprehend, entering the topic midway or plunging in to the deep end of the pool, as today's session is the concluding one in the series, I was told " What does it matter which bit of Sarkkara (saccharine) you taste and when you taste it? It all tastes sweet." :D
I found myself looking at the old, somewhat forgotten features of my native land with new eyes, relatively unclouded by the angst and insecurities with which I left it 18 months ago. In fact, it seems I have been a stranger to it since a few years before that too, though I reveled unrepentant in its many inexpensive joys and pleasures, casually strewn about on the dirt roads of its cultural landscape. Days spent buried in my colorful, seductive imagination and thoroughly unforgiving intellectual campaign to 'make sense of''..
After a rather uneventful but interesting road trip that took me in that red Maruti car choke full of memories, across three states, I am now staying in my maternal uncle's (ammavan's) house ideally located in what I always felt was a serene locale, where the weather never seemed too harsh and the neighbors seemed to value the glory of quiet.
After a day of getting used to the heat and constant sweating (the one thing I really didn't miss), I came upon an intriguing opportunity - a class on Bhaagavatha given by the erudite Jayashree Ma'am whom my aunt (Ammaayi) spoke of rather highly. A short bus ride later I was seated quietly and dare I say, contently, on the white mat on the upper floor of her Edappally home with my aunt and another lady (who I later came to know was a retired teacher), listening to the profound analysis of the symbolism and message behind the story of Puranjana described in a few verses (28 to 32(?)).
Somewhere between the concept of using 'thought' as a tool to dismantle the transient mind and then sacrificing it to achieve stillness and the realization of self, and the eternal quality of truth, I had a moment of clarity - an epiphany - something I seek every moment I'm conscious and try to cherish in memory for later egotistic use (ah..defining irony ;)).
I had been searching for teachers in all the wrong places. There are no 'gurus' in intellect. Only peers. For the first time in years, I came out of a two hour discussion/ class with answers rather than more questions. It seems so simple.
I am at this moment more aware of what troubles 'me' than I had been in the years I spent searching for answers in the labyrinth of logic and analytic dissection which has become part and parcel of the creed of my senses and resultant perception of life.
Intellectual vanity and skill being the double edged sword I have wielded for the better part of my life, I am now intrigued by the possibility of laying it down for a better awareness of self than my natural inclination to learn to use it more effectively. It has been agreed upon without any argument from my part that there is no way to tell what course life might take or how I will respond to its tempting events and mood swings, but I am now confident that there are answers out there. Not just troubling paradox after paradox.
Either way, I'm happily starting my life in the land of coconut trees and its self deprecating people with a less myopic view of what lies ahead and what lies beneath.
So signing off now to attend another class with my both my aunt and uncle this time - a discourse on Upanishad Dhara by Swami Chidanandapuri. To my question of how much will I be able to comprehend, entering the topic midway or plunging in to the deep end of the pool, as today's session is the concluding one in the series, I was told " What does it matter which bit of Sarkkara (saccharine) you taste and when you taste it? It all tastes sweet." :D
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